Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
