I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
