Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
