Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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