Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
You left your phone here
Wait...
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