accomplished twins. life is a go
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
