Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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