you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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