I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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