There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
