just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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