I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
