I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
