make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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