I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
