Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Randomize
