My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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