My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
