Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
