Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
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