kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
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I want her autograph on my taint
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
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It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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