All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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