so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
