If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i think i have herpe
just one?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
