He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Randomize
