My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
