She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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