dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
