Michael Bay diarrhea
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
