I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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