I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
