Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
