How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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