He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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