I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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