I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
