What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
