So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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