I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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