i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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