My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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