are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
