Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
