So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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