Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
FUCK WHALES
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