textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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