if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
that is very illegal...i love you.
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