chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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