this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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