there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I checked into jail on foursquare
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Randomize
