and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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