I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Randomize
