i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
