I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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