im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
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