Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
