Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
