A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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