My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
